When I fell for my wife, I kept our relationship a secret. Now I'm making up for lost time.

Publish date: 2024-07-25
2022-10-20T18:59:54Z

When I fell for my wife, Sam, I kept our relationship a secret. My list of reasons feels irrational now, but I was only 19 and a sophomore in college. I thought I knew who I was. I didn't identify as gay or queer back then.

I'd never been attracted to anyone of the same sex, so my new feelings knocked the wind out of me. I didn't know what to tell myself, so how could I have told anyone else?

This was in the early 2000s. There was so much overt and veiled homophobia in pop culture that entertained us and informed our lives. I unknowingly internalized so much of it. 

I didn't enjoy falling in love

It took me months to confess the relationship to my friends, even though there were times when they asked me outright what was going on between me and Sam. At the time, it felt easier to lie about something that I didn't understand than to try to explain it to anyone.

It took me over a year to tell my parents, because I knew that once I did, there was no going back.

Nearly two decades later, I look back on that time with sorrow. I didn't let myself enjoy falling in love for the first — and only — time because my shame and denial clouded the experience.

I can't pinpoint what I wish I'd done differently, but trust is the first word that comes to mind. If I had trusted myself, I would have realized I could trust my friends, too. I chose these young women to be a major part of my life.

In college, friends are everything. They were my roommates and my classmates. They were my breakfast, lunch, and dinner dates, and we did everything together. I knew they cared about me and my well-being, so I wonder why I didn't trust them to help me shoulder this burden. They could have helped me sort through my feelings and begin to understand these emotions that were brand new to me.

I want to enjoy our relationship

More than anything, I regret the shame. At the beginning of my relationship, I was so consumed with my fear that I could not see how good it felt to love and be loved. This life my wife and I have created together is beyond anything I believed was possible back then. Now that we have kids, I am more vocal than ever, sharing our lives on social media and participating in Pride celebrations in hopes of showing the next generation what's possible.

I know I can't change my past, but I do have some lessons to share with anyone facing the fear of unexpected love.

Everything I know now feels like a cliché, but it's true: You can't be honest with anyone else until you're honest with yourself. Finding someone to talk to would have made my fear less powerful. Even when I wasn't ready to talk to friends or family, I wish I had found a professional. Once I had a therapist a little later in our relationship, I became much more capable of self-trust.

My past self doesn't deserve all the blame, though. For many years, I've been hard on myself for reacting with fear to a situation that scared me. It's OK to make mistakes, especially when you're young and facing romantic feelings for the first time.

Hindsight has taught me that love is scary because we become vulnerable and know we might get hurt. It's worth it. You learn to love yourself when you're learning to let someone else love you.

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