Red Flags in a Long-Distance Relationship

• Long-distance relationships require an extra level of thought and communication.
• Because of this, red flags can often be more difficult to identify in long-distance relationships.
• Reluctance to communicate, gaslighting, and frequent arguing can all be long-distance red flags.

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Long distance relationships can certainly be tougher than local ones, but studies have shown that they actually have the potential for deeper bonds and stronger communication.

"In order to make it succeed, any relationship requires communication," says clinical psychologist and sex therapist, Cheryl Fraser, PhD. "A long-distance relationship just requires an extra focus on communication. It's not like it's a bad thing; it's just a relationship with a challenge."

When long-distance relationships face hurdles, communication can become strained, reluctant, or infrequent. And spotting these red flags when you're not in the same physical space as your partner is critical to understanding and resolving any issues.

Read on to discover six common red flags in long-distance relationships — and advice on how to handle them from Fraser as well as Antonia Hall, psychologist and relationship expert.

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1. They don't initiate conversations 

If your partner isn't communicating as much with you anymore, it could be a red flag that something is bothering them or simply that "they are not very invested in the relationship," Hall says.

How often you should be communicating is unique to each couple. For some, it may be talking multiple times throughout the day. And for others, touching base once nightly might be enough. 

Fraser's recommendation is to check in in the morning as well as the evening each day if possible — and ideally on video. 

"Text is the worst for anything deep or important," she says. "Phone is a step up. Ideally you want videos where you can get those social cues, the nuances of facial expressions. You can see each other so you get a better read and you're less likely to go down a communication rabbit hole."

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2. Communication feels exhausting

Communication is key to a healthy relationship, but when it persistently feels daunting, tiring, or downright stressful, that can be a sign that the long-distance relationship is in trouble. Healthy communication should not always feel so challenging, so when it does more often than it feels wonderful — that's a red flag. An inability to listen, empathize, or communicate without hostility can be signs of unhealthy communication. 

Hall suggests couples mindfully choose a good time for talking things through — whether the topic is light and cheerful or heavy and serious — "which means you both have the time and energy for the discussion and aren't stressed, tired, or distracted." 

Choosing a good setting for conversation is difficult, but important. "Don't try to talk it out during intimate moments or right before bed," she advises. "Allow time and space for each person to share their feelings." 

Practicing self-care before and during difficult conversations may help to prepare.

Also be careful to frame communications in a way that is non-judgemental, she says. It helps to introduce statements with the framing of "I feel" rather than "you make me."

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3. You argue more frequently

Fighting in a long-distance relationship is not necessarily a sign of doom. 

"Arguments allow people to express and see varying viewpoints," Hall says. "Being able to disagree respectfully and with an open mind can be a bonding experience that ultimately strengthens the relationship." 

But the way couples fight matters. Here are some dos and don'ts:

But an increase in frequency or severity of fights — especially arguments from which nothing is learned or built — can suggest a long-distance relationship has issues. 

Fraser advises couples to make a plan for taking a 30-minute timeout as any argument begins to escalate, especially when it's over the phone or a video call because "anxiety can quickly get sky high" in these situations, she says. 

"This break is physiologically important because it takes about 30 minutes to calm down when you're upset. It takes time for a flooded body in fight-or-flight [mode] to calm down, for the blood pressure to come down," Fraser says.

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4. They don't want to tell you about their life outside of your relationship

"It is important for couples in all types of relationships to have their own social lives, but that is particularly true when in a long-distance relationship," Hall says. "Having a good support system around you makes it easier to be separated from your significant other for prolonged periods of time."

But if one partner is reluctant to discuss their independent social life, it could be a relationship red flag. 

"As you do not have the luxury of sharing most of your time together, having openness and transparency prevents miscommunications from happening," Hall says. 

"Trust your intuition or gut if something feels off with your partner," Hall says. "It may be something in your partner's voice on the phone, or an energetic feeling you have that your partner is emotionally distancing themselves. One doesn't need to be in the same physical space to read such clues."

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5. They gaslight you 

Gaslighting is a type of communication used to manipulate or exploit someone. In a romantic relationship, this might look like one partner dismissing the other's feelings, blaming and judging their actions, or accusing the other of excessive sensitivity or distrust.

In a long-distance relationship, a partner might:

• Discount their partner's thoughts or instincts by calling them crazy.
• Deny their partner is really feeling how they say they are feeling.
• Lie to control the information a partner receives and processes.
• Deflect blame for toxic behavior, citing the other partner's response to the behavior as the problem instead.

The mental health effects of gaslighting can be severe: When one partner is pushed to continually second-guess their own thoughts and impulses, consequences can include anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, impaired sense of self control, and other harmful fallout. 

"Gaslighting is targeted and consistent," Fraser says. "And it can have huge effects including massive self doubt and insecurity, and also lead to staying in a destructive or abusive cycle."

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6. You feel anxious before talking to them 

Getting butterflies ahead of talking to your partner is different than a nervous sense of dread. 

"Clear your head and be honest first and foremost with yourself about why you are feeling anxious," Hall says. Recognize if the anxiety comes from a lack of trust or a fear about the future direction of the relationship. 

To cope healthily with any relationship anxiety, you should be able to work together with your partner to mitigate any undue anxious feelings. 

"Be honest with your partner in the most loving, respectful way about the cause of your anxiety," Hall says. 

Individually, partners can also cope with anxiety by rewriting the negative assumptions in their thoughts. This means communicating our needs to our partners, and then letting them respond with good-faith efforts, Fraser says – rather than immediately jumping to conclusions  about their bad intentions. 

For instance, if one partner asks for more regular communication throughout the day, and the other responds by dropping more frequent heart emojis through the course of a busy schedule, that demonstrates effort and should be welcomed rather than viewed with skepticism.

If these communication strategies still fail to satisfy both partners' needs, and the anxiety continues unchecked, it's a major red flag that a long-distance relationship is in trouble.

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Insider's takeaway 

Long-distance relationship red flags are often linked to commitment, trust, and communication issues: Either one partner fails to initiate conversations, communication feels exhausting, or it  frequently leads to unproductive fighting. 

Gaslighting and a reluctance to discuss life outside the relationship can also signal trouble. 

Not only are these potential red flags that could point to significant problems in a long-distance relationship, but they can trigger anxiety and insecurities that erode one or both partners' sense of self and challenge mental health and wellbeing.

It's ok to move your relationship to a platonic friendship if a sexual or romantic connection isn't working out for you and you would still like to know each other. Every relationship is different, and ultimately you and your partner are the experts of your own needs. 

Freelance Reporter, Insider Reviews

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